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Hiotis vs Hendrix
This is not high Greek culture. This is not even low Greek culture. This is stoopid Greek culture. But I got a laugh out of it, and I’m translating the YouTube comments about it.
In the left corner: Jimi Hendrix. This audience, I assume, needs no introduction to him.
In the right corner, Manolis Chiotis. How do I describe Manolis Hiotis? Well, if Vamvakaris was the Bach of Bouzouki music, Tsitsanis the Beethoven, and Zambetas the Offenbach, then I guess Hiotis was the Paganini. He was a virtuoso, he pioneered the electric bouzouki in guitar tuning, and he was wildly popular in Greek film. But his songs, I dare say, are not the greats of the genre. A few have nostalgic appeal (Περασμένες μου αγάπες, Θεσσαλονίκη μου μεγάλη φτωχομάνα, Ηλιοβασιλέματα), but they’re way too European, and way too light. I love “My Thessalonica, Great Mother Of The Poor”, but on reflection, I think I love it most for that verse. The tune is on the frivolous side, and the intro is actually quite awkward.
The vid says that he was the man who dragged the bouzouki out of the mud, perfumed it, and made it fit for the salon. I don’t think that counts as praise, and I think you’ll find Tsitsanis did that first. Tsitsanis might have been bourgeois, and had no idea what getting stoned was, but at least he had a soul.
That’s not a universal opinion on Hiotis; in fact, it’s bound to be a controversial one. But it’s mine.
Anyway. Here’s a YouTube vid, made by Greek government TV no less, about the urban legend that Hendrix ran into a show by Hiotis in New York (supposedly in ’65, which would have been before anyone cared what Hendrix had to say; user Voodoochile79 offers it was supposed to be ’69), and stated that he may have been the best stringed-instrument player he’d ever heard. Mary Linda, Hiotis’ wife and musical partner, is interviewed to corroborate it. I think the vid hints that Hendrix even learned his technique from Hiotis; I dare not play it in full to find out.
“Hendrix says X is a better guitarist than he is” is an exorbitantly widespread urban legend (Phil Keaggy Greatest Guitarist?); this, I guess, is the Greek variant. The origin of the urban legend is the alleged exchange from 1969 “How does it feel to be the greatest guitarist?” “I don’t know, go ask Rory Gallagher.”
If there ever was a kernel of truth to this, which is extremely doubtful, it may be in what user SUNBLESSED ATHENS reports in comments there:
Ο Χεντριξ το ειπε οπως εκανε και αλλα παρ ομοια σχολια για πολλους ανα τα χρονια.Απλα δεν υπαρχει καταγεγραμμενο ντοκουμεντο για την δηλωση του οσον αφορα τον Χιωτη.Όσον αφορα την ΑΛΗΘΕΙΑ…διαβαστε να σας την πω εγω, Λοιπον.. αδελφος του παππου μου που ζουσε εκει χρονια αναμμεσα σε πολλους καλεσμενους σε εκδηλωση ηταν εκει..στο Αμερικα..και το ακουσε ο ιδιος..απο τον πιτσιρικα νεαρο κιθαριστα ο οποιος σε μπλα μπλα..με δημοσιογραφους και μουσικοφιλους ειπε κατι σαν.. ”That Greek guy from the other night..(ειχε παιξει ο Χιωτης 2 μερες πριν)..was really good..i think he is the prob the best.!!Ισως μεταξυ σοβαρου και αστειου
Hendrix did say it, and he made similar comments about a lot of people over the years. There’s just no documentary evidence of him saying so about Hiotis. As for the truth: read on. So, my grandfather’s brother, who lived over there in “The Amerika” for years, was invited to a reception, and he heard it himself from the kid guitarist, who in the middle of some yadda yadda with journalists and music fans said something like, “That Greek guy from the other night” (Hiotis had played two days before) “was really good… I think he is probably the best.” Possibly as a half-way joke.
Maybe.
At any rate, there’s such concentrated win in the comments, that I think I should be relaying some of it in English.
Not the stuff by people who actually believed the video. That’s depressing. Or people who actually say that Hendrix wasn’t all that, because he wasn’t a virtuoso shredder like Hiotis or Malmsteen. That’s even more depressing. And expressing incredulity about the video is shooting fish in a barrel. But after the week I’ve had on Quora, I’ll take it. Even if most of the commenters are Hiotis fans.
Chronological order. The mockery only starts a year after the initial post.
- alucardae86: This show is in the same style as the 8 pm news: misinformation at its peak. The four-string bouzouki was not invented by Hiotis, it existed since 1912. Hendrix was never known for his speed or his crisp tone, but for his technique and his pioneering sound (corresponding to our Vamvakaris). As for his statement, that’s an urban legend that has circulated about various artists of the time. PS: Hiotis belongs to the pantheon of bouzouki players.
- markos aggelos: Hi guys this is my comment. Hiotis is a master musician and I don’t want to take anything away from him a master musician. But Hendrix at that time was in the military from what I know. So the hypotheticals of Greek TV are as always a bunch of crap. Don’t watch TV guys they’ve stuffed us full of bullshit what a great scene they’re painting, two giants sitting back having a little glass of wine and playing Voodoo Chile haha. What next he taught him how to use a wah wah pedal too.
- Nick Parastratidis: “He took the instrument out of the mud of the suburbs and placed it in the salons of the aristocracy.” Repulsive. He praises Hiotis, but insults his origins and the origins of all rebetiko. Historical inaccuracy coupled with vile snobbery against generations of people who grew up in the “mud of the suburbs.” Shitty little journalists.
- John Maronidis: You do know it is possible to listen to more than 1 kind of music right?
- GreekMoonraker008: SO IS AN ARTIST ONLY ANY GOOD IF AN AMERICAN APPROVES YOU RIIIIIGHT? YOU DICKHEADS FUCK YOUR SOUL! SO BECAUSE HENDRICKS SAID HE IS GOOD THATS WHY EVERYONE ADMIRES HIM RIIIIIGHT? THATS HOW LITTLE FAITH ALL GREEKS HAVE RIIIIIGHT!
- Vlad Count: Mine used to play the accordion with Metallica for many years
- Greek Bouzouki: I am sad to say that the things that impress people are the things that shouldn’t. Hiotis is not great because he impressed Hendrix, or because he played the guitar upside down, or because he played fast.
- Dimitris Skazas: The observation made by many that this is an urban legend is accurate, and if I may say so, obvious. It regularly involves many virtuoso soloists, usually with little thought. Moreover, I do not admit the need of such comparisons between artists belonging to distinct cultures. It is true that once, in a much later interview, Mrs Linda reprised the legend, pretty much trapped into doing so by a journalist who mentioned it to her as a given, but also with some naiveté that I do not begrudge her. This confusion (not comparison) between Hiotis and Hendrix, if I may say so, is somewhat pathetic.
- ΣΤΑΥΡΙΔΗΣ ΙΩΑΝΝΗΣ: A wonderful documentary. Only Greek State TV does such quality work BRAVO. [Poe’s law applies here]
- mpelefroni: Hiotis at the time was known by the nickname “Rory”
- Παναγιώτης Μήτσου: Neither Gallagher nor Hiotis. (Haha, you found a video with Gallagher, you say.) [In response to someone who claims to have seen a video of Hendrix saying it about Gallagher.]
[…]
There is a version [of the urban legend] circulating with Hiotis (Linda must have circulated it), a version which fits our national collective fantasising perfectly. And of course plenty of Greeks rush to reproduce it with wondrous ease and satisfaction. They even claim that the interview had been recorded and that they have seen it. And they’re proud of it, as if, had Hendrix actually said that Hiotis was a better guitarist than him in some parallel universe, that would be reason enough for them to feel proud themselves. Hullo barefoot family. - kostasaliver: And even if that is true, buddy, why ruin it? Myths are there to be preserved.
A friend of mine with the last name Vavasis wants to know its meaning. I know the origin is Greek. What is the meaning?
I’m not sure. Really, I’m not sure. I say that, because the following is speculation that your friend might not welcome.
Vavasis Βαβάσης does not have an obvious Greek etymology to me. It may have one, but I can’t discern it.
My first guess was that it is a hellenisation of Babasis Μπαμπάσης, which turns up in Corinthia, and is thus likely Arvanite (i.e. ethnic Albanian); cf. Ndriçim Babasi – Wikipedia, a member of the Albanian parliament.
However, googling establishes a critical mass of Vavasises in Cephalonia, and (from Facebook: Πολιτιστικός Σύλλογος Πάστρας Παλιόκαστρο ) that the surname is associated with the village of Pastra. The surname is given as Cephallonian in the list at Τα επώνυμα των Κεφαλλήνων, originally compiled by Miliarakis in 1890. The surname, FWIW, is not included in the list of local nobility (the Libro d’Oro) of 1799 (http://www.kefaloniamas.gr/κοινω…)
I still can’t think what Greek or Italian name it’s associated with…
… and then, I read the Greek Wikipedia page: Πάστρα Κεφαλονιάς – Βικιπαίδεια
The village was founded by Albanian mercenaries working for Venice in the 15th century. The Pastras family are apparently the majority of the village, but I think it’s still likeliest the surname is Albanian in origin.
Assuming I’m right, I’m going to have to ask Albanians on Quora what it likely means. I don’t know that I’m right, but like I say, I can’t see a Greek or Italian origin for the surname.
What does the following phrase that I heard several times in central Greece mean, “tha paw na koitasthw” (“θα παω να κοιτασθω”)?
Dimitris Sotiropoulos reports in his answer that in some areas of Central Greece, this means “I will go to bed”. The normal meaning of the verb in modern Greek is “to look”, but the current accepted etymology of the verb is indeed from an ancient Greek verb for “to lie down”. This was not always the accepted etymology (it’s not terribly obvious, after all), which is why the verb used to be spelt as κυττάζω rather than κοιτάζω.
Dialects are often repositories of archaism, of course. In Cretan, “to lie down” is θέτω, a remodelling of ancient τίθημι “to set” — the meaning the verb was revived with in standard Greek.
OP’s expression will remind most Standard Greek speakers instead of the idiom να παίζει να κοιταχτείς, “you should go and get looked at”. Meaning “you’re crazy”. (The person who implicitly will do the looking at you is a psychiatrist.)
In what ways are Albanians in Greece mistreated?
My answer to this is a historical anecdote, but the quite informative answers here do talk about what happened in the 1990s, as well as what’s happening now.
The reports now are that Albanians are on the top of the totem pole of immigrant privilege. They are of course still below Western Europeans, who are treated as a separate category entirely—though I’m not sure if Greek goes as far as English, to have a separate word like ‘expat’ for them. Albanians now are well-regarded, as householders (νοικοκύρηδες) and small-businesspeople, even if they are still often regarded as the hired help rather than equal members of society.
I’ll add an anecdote from 1995 that left me puzzled.
I was in Greece for six months, doing archival research for my PhD, and staying with relatives. At the end of the first three months, I had to go to the local immigrant processing centre, to renew my visa. (I am an Australian citizen.)
The courtyard of the centre was chock-a-block full of Albanians, waiting to be processed for the holidays. None of them was being processed, and noone was going inside. I am Australian, so I believe in queues; so I hung about for maybe an hour, trying to listen in on the Albanian all around me. (From linguistic research, I knew a bit, though certainly not enough for listening in to work.)
After a while, one of the Albanians turned to me and said (in flawless Greek):
—You’re not Albanian, are you.
—… No, actually, I’m not.
—Well what are you waiting with us for? Go to the front.
… I guiltily skulked to the front. The doorman said:
—You’re not Albanian, are you.
—… No, actually, I’m not.
—Well what are you waiting with them for? Go inside.
Thinking back, it may well have been that there was no queue, and there was a designated Albanian processing time. Still, the fact that Albanians themselves pushed me to the front of the queue was something I found chilling.
How do Greeks feel about the hadith analysis by Imran Hosein that the “Al-Rum” of the end times is to be analysed as Russia?
Having listened to 6 mins of Sheikh Imran N. Hosein’s lecture, and done some Googling:
There is a Hadith that predicts that, in the end times, the “Rum” and Islam will form a truce to fight a common enemy, before they fight each other in Armageddon. To cite the hadith:
You will make a firm truce with the al-Rum until you and they wage a campaign against an enemy that is attacking them. You will be granted victory and great spoils. Then you will alight in a plain surrounded by hills. There, someone among the Christians shall say: ‘The Cross has overcome!’ whereupon someone among the Muslims shall say: ‘Nay, Allah has overcome!’ and shall go and break the cross. The Christians shall kill him, then the Muslims shall take up their arms and the two sides shall fall upon each other.
At issue is the identity of Rum in Islamic eschatology.
Rum in Muhammad’s time meant the Christian Empire that Arabs were familiar with, i.e. the (Eastern) Roman Empire.
The conventional interpretation is to identify Rum with Christendom. So Islamic eschatology – Wikipedia summarises this prophecy, among the minor signs of the End Times, as:
The truce and joint Christian-Muslim campaign against a common enemy, followed by al-Malhama al-Kubra (Armageddon), a Christian vs. Muslim war.[29]
Hosein advocates a narrower identification of Rum as Orthodox Christianity, being the continuation of the Constantinopolitan Christianity that Muhammad was familiar with; and since Rum has to be a state capable of waging war rather than a religious community (a concession he makes to modern-day political realities), he thinks it is the preeminent state of contemporary Orthodox Christianity, namely Russia. (When would the Muslims make and alliance with Rum, Is Rum the Rome in Italy?)
Predictably, there is much flaming online, with others insisting that the reference has to be to the religious entity based in Constantinople, the Eastern Orthodox Church. (Hadith : Muslims to form alliance with Rum.)
Now that we’ve worked out what Hosein is referring to: the question is, how do Greeks feel about this?
I enjoyed researching this; you may not enjoy reading the answer.
Non-Muslim Greeks don’t care, because they don’t believe that the hadith of Islam are prophetic of the end times. I mean, seriously. And to the extent that they are even aware of the hadith, they would be quite happy for Putin or Trump or any other putatively Christian state to have to deal with whoever this pre-Armageddon common foe is, rather than shoe-horn the Greek military into this mess. Sure we claim to be the inheritors of Byzantium, but that’s one context we won’t be eager to inherit.
Yes, that’s a flippant response; but please. Non-Muslim Greeks won’t care, any more than Muslims should have to care about Christian eschatology and who the Great Whore of Babylon is meant to represent.
The interesting question is, what do *Muslim* Greeks make of the hadith. Muslim Greek citizens of course exist, but given the history of the Ottoman Empire and Balkan nationalism, the majority of those citizens who are not ethnic Greek are not going to be that interested in claiming the heritage of Rum either. Ethnic Turks or Pomaks in Greece may well reflexively think (Orthodox Christian) Greece when they think Rum, because Rum is the Ottoman term for (Orthodox Christian) Greeks. Still, ethnic Turks or Pomaks in Greece would be no more convinced than their Christian compatriots that the Greek army is plausibly going to play a major part in any prelude to Armageddon. The realities of the modern world would have convinced them that the Rum of Armageddon can’t be the people they think of by default as Rum.
That leaves the very small number of ethnic Greek converts to Islam. They do exist; I had the cognitive dissonance of meeting one at a colleague’s Muslim wedding. No, I am not proud of having had cognitive dissonance. And I hate to say, any ethnic Greek converts to Islam, having been brought up in the thought-world of Christian-aligned Greek nationalism, will have plenty of cognitive dissonance of their own to deal with. They wouldn’t seek to add to that, by reading their compatriots into that hadith.
There’s some bestial fools in Raqqa right now (I wonder if calling ISIS that counts as BNBR?), who think their infamy is justified because they’re hastening the End Times. Even they, I suspect, think Rum is either Putin or Trump, rather than Greece.
They seem to have forgotten that bit about allying against a common foe, too.
Why does Greece produce such amazing music?
Given the amount of Greek songs that I’ve written about over at Hellenica, of course Greece has produced amazing music. The notion that it hasn’t, which Konstantinos Konstantinides’ answer gives, is to me as strange as the question itself seems to be to him.
Of course, there’s a catch with the presumption behind this question. All cultures produce amazing music, because all cultures are cultures born of the human spirit, and the human spirit is capable of amazing things. All cultures’ musics have resonances and histories and tropes and subtleties and transcendence. It’s just that any given observer will have more familiarity with one culture’s inventory than others, and accordingly will find it easier or harder to read another culture’s music.
There are specific circumstances which make the Greek musical tradition rich, but I don’t enumerate them to say it is superior in any way to its neighbours, or to yours. Just that they are part of what makes it distinctive.
- A cross-roads of major musical traditions. Most places are, of course. Specifically, the complex of Byzantine, Arabic, Turkish and Persian music, and the complex of Western musics. This has resulted in several waves of fusion; rebetiko has proven to be the most fertile, siring its own range of musics.
- A wide range of folk music practice, reflecting the interaction of major musical traditions, different geographical and historical influences, and separate local developments. The folk music of Macedonia sounds nothing like the folk music of Cyprus. The folk music of Cretan Christians sounds different from the folk music of Cretan Muslims (although similar enough that Christians could appropriate the music of the departing Muslims.)
- Strong extra-musical associations for Greek music, with political or historical movements and events. Particularly in the 60s and 70s, there was much ideological investment in music. (Of course Greece is hardly unique in that.)
- Perhaps more controversially: in some strands of modern popular music, ongoing belief in the transcendental power of song, and in the distinct vocation of the lyricist. (Separate lyricists and composers remains the norm.) There always has been disposable Greek pop music, but for every lyric that reaches Leonard Cohen levels of art in English, there are 10 in Greek: not because Greeks are inherently more poetic, bus because there is a much greater cultural expectation for that kind of thing. Arguably, Better Poetry in lyrics inspires Better Music. Certainly, better poetry in lyrics leaves audiences with the impression that the music is better.
The Mass of the Beardless Man
I’ve name-checked the Mass of the Beardless Man (Spanos) in Nick Nicholas’ answer to What is the dirtiest work of Modern Greek literature? I have been asked to provide a sample, and herewith I oblige.
Spanos was written around 1500, in Northern Greece or Constantinople; I’ve noted the speculation by Tassos Karanastassis, that it was millenarian panic in reaction to the arrival of Sephardic Jews in 1492. Spanos was first published in Venice in 1553, and was a popular publication; it is also attested in two manuscript versions from around the same time, which are if anything even filthier.
The scholarly edition of Spanos is: Spanos, ed. Hans Eideneier, 1977. Berlin: De Gruyter. The popular edition of Spanos is: Σπανός, ed. Hans Eideneier, Athens: Ερμής, in the pocket Νέα Ελληνική Βιβλιοθήκη series. And God bless him, Eideneier has actually used red letters for the headings, capitals, and tunes, just as Greek missals do.
I’m going to post small excerpts of the work here, to give you a flavour of it. If you are likely to take offence at scatological parodies of the Greek Orthodox Mass, and particularly the Epitaphios (liturgical), the Lamentation of Good Friday, you will take offence. Don’t read further.
Much of Spanos is a word-perfect parody of sections of the Orthodox Mass, and it will make more sense to people familiar with it than those not. Given that most Greeks know the Lamentation of Good Friday, they’re going to recognise a fair bit. Line numbers from the scholarly edition.
Sunday Vespers (lines 9–41)
Στιχηρά. Ἦχος πλάγιος δʹ, πρὸς τὸ Ὢ τοῦ παραδόξου θαύματος.
στίχ. Ἐκ βαθέων ἐκέκραξας τοῦ δοθῆναί σοι γένειον καὶ οὐκ εἰσηκούσθης.
Ὢ τοῦ παραδόξου θαύματος, ἂν ἀπαντήσῃς σπανόν, τὸ μουστάκιν του κλάσε το, ἔκβαλε τὸ γένιν του καὶ κλότσον τὸν εὐεργέτησε τὸν οὔριόν τε καὶ τὸν ἐξούριον. Καὶ ταῦτα λέγε πρὸς τὸν παγκάκιστον· ὦ ξυλογούργουρε καὶ ἀγριομούστακε, κακὲ σπανέ, ἄπιθι, κρημνίσθητι, ζῶον παγκάκιστον.
στίχ. Γενηθήτω τὰ ὦτά σου προσέχοντα εἰς τὴν φωνὴν τοῦ ὑβρίζοντός σε.
Ὢ τοῦ παραδόξου θαύματος, ἂν ἀπαντήσῃς σπανὸν καὶ ἱδρώνῃ τὸ γένιν του, χαῖρε, τράγε, λέγε του, καὶ βοθρακοῦ ἀποσκέλλωμα, γραίας μὲν αἴγας ἀνακακάρωμα. Καὶ κράξας μέγα πρὸς αὐτὸν βόησον· ὦ σπιθαμόστομε καὶ μυρμηγκοσφόνδυλε, κακὲ σπανέ, ἅλας εἰς τὰ μάτια σου, κόπρος στὰ γένια σου.
Sticheron hymns. 4th Plagal Mode, to the tune of “O Strange Marvel”.
Verse: From the depths hast thou cried out, that thou mayst be granted a beard; and thy prayer was granted not.
O strange marvel, if you should meet a beardless man, fart on his moustache, pluck his beard, and favour him with a kick, that sconehead and skinhead. And say thus to him, most evil: O thou wood-throat and savage-moustache, evil beardless man, be gone, be crushed, most evil beast.
Verse: Be thine ears be as one noting the voice of him who insults thee.
O strange marvel, if you should meet a beardless man and his goatee sweats, “Hail, Goat,” say unto him, “and Desiccation Of A Toad, and also Reskulling Of An Old Goat.” And shouting mightily cry unto him: O thou with a cubit-sized mouth and an ant’s spine, evil beardless man, salt unto thine eyes, and dung unto thy goatee.”
…
And then the Readings (94–102)
Προφητείας μυοβατράχου τὸ ἀνάκλασμα.
Τάδε λέγει βάτραχος ταῖς χελώναις, ὅτι ἔρχεται ἄνθρωπος πολλὰ ἐφύβριστος καὶ ἐὰν φανῇ τοῖς ἀνθρώποις, ἠξεύρετε ὅτι ἔναι φάντασμα, διότι δὲν θέλει ἔχει γένια, καὶ ἔναι σημεῖον, ἐπειδὴ οὐδὲ ἄνδρας ἔναι οὐδὲ γυναίκα, καὶ ἔχει διπλῆν τὴν φύσιν ὥσπερ τὰ μουλάρια. Καὶ ἂν πολλάκις καὶ ἐβγάλῃ γένια, εἶναι ὥσπερ τράγου ἐξ ὄρους. Καὶ ἐπὶ τῆς κοίτης αὐτοῦ τὰ ὄρνεα κοιτασθήσονται. Καὶ ἡ κεφαλὴ αὐτοῦ ὁμοία τράγου. Καὶ ὀνειδισθήσεται καὶ γέλιον φανήσεται ἐν ὅλῳ τῷ κόσμῳ.
The reeking of the Prophecy of the Mouse And Frog
Thus saith the frog unto the turtles: that a man cometh who is much to be sworn at, and if he should appear unto people, know that he is a ghost, for he will have no beard, and it is a portent, for he is neither man nor woman, and he has a double nature like mules. And if he manages to have a beard, it is like a goat’s from the mountain. And the vultures shall sleep on his bed. And his head is like unto a goat’s. And he shall be mocked and regarded as a laughing-stock unto the whole world.
Here endeth the reeking.
…
Sunday Matins (211–248)
Μετὰ τὴν αʹ Στιχολογίαν, Κάθισμα καὶ παλούκιν εἰς τὸν κῶλον σου.
Πρὸς Τὴν σοφίαν τοῦ λόγου.
Τὸν σπανὸν τὸν τριγένη, τὸν ταπεινόν, τὸν ἀντζάτον, κωλάτον καὶ μιαρὸν ἐλθόντες ὑβρίσωμεν, τὴν πανάσχημον θέαν του. Καὶ γὰρ ὁμοιάζει τράγου καὶ ὄνου ὁ ἄθλιος. Ἔχει καὶ γνώμην λύκου καὶ δόλον ἀλώπεκος. Ὅθεν διὰ τοῦτο ὀνειδίζουσι πάντες αὐτὸν τὸν τρισάθλιον καὶ βοῶσιν οἱ πάντες αὐτῷ· Φεῦγε, σπανέ, ἀπ’ ἐμπρός μας, πέσε εἰς βάραθρον. Καὶ γὰρ ἔχεις δαιμόνων ἐπίσκεψιν.
Μετὰ δὲ τὴν βʹ Στιχολογίαν, Κάθισμα καὶ ’πιθετὸν εἰς τὸν κῶλον σου.
Πρὸς τὸ Κατεπλάγη.
Κατεπλάγησαν ὁμοῦ ἄνδρες, γυναῖκες καὶ παιδιά, θεωρῶντα τὸν σπανὸν τὸν τραγογένην, τὸν τρελόν, πῶς τρίχας ὅλως οὐκ ἔχει εἰς τὸ πιγούνιν· μόνας δὲ τὰς τρεῖς καὶ αὐτὲς παράσημες. Καὶ τράγον ἂν ἰδῇς ὅπως ὁμοιάζει του. Καὶ γὰρ οἱ πάντες γελοῦσι τον καὶ ὑβρίζουν, ὅσοι ἔχουν γένια, ὡς κλέπτην, ψεύτην καὶ κάκιστον ἄνθρωπον.
After the first sticheron, a Kathisma, and a pole up your arse.
To the tune of “The Wisdom of Thy Word”
The beardless man with three chin hairs, lowly, big-thighed, big-arsed and unclean, come let us swear at his most ugly aspect. For miserable as he is, he looks like unto a goat and a donkey. He hath also the mind of a wolf and the cunning of a fox. Hence let all insult him, thrice miserable, and let all shout unto him: Be gone, beardless man, from before us, fall into a pit. For thou art in the company of demons.
After the second sticheron, a Kathisma, and a compress up your arse.
To the tune of “He Was Astonished”
They were astonished, men, women and children together, seeing the beardless man as one with a goat’s goatee, one who is mad, that his chin has no hairs at all, but three alone, and those malformed. And if you see a goat, you shall see how he resembles him. For all mock him and insult him, who have beards, as a thief, a liar, and a truly evil man.
…
The Canon of the Most Evil Beardless Man (296–315)
Τοὺς Εἱρμοὺς ἀνὰ βʹ καὶ τὰ τροπάρια ἀνὰ βʹ.
Ἦχος δʹ. Ὠιδὴ αʹ. Πρὸς τὸ Ἀνοίξω τὸ στόμα μου.
Ἀνοίξω τὸ στόμα σου καὶ βάλω τρία δαμάσκατα καὶ προῦνον καὶ βάτσινον καὶ ἀγελάδας πορδήν. Καὶ ὀφθήσομαι μαδεῖν τὴν σὴν μουστάκαν, τὴν ἀγριωμένην τε καὶ κοπρομούσουδον.
στίχ. Κύριος συντρίβων τοὺς σπανοὺς καὶ πᾶσαν τὴν δύναμιν αὐτῶν ἔρριψεν εἰς Τάρταρον.
Ἀνοίξῃ ἡ κοιλία σου καὶ τὰ πλευρά σου ῥαΐσουσι καὶ πέσῃ ἡ μύτη σου καὶ τὰ νεφρά σου σαποῦν· καὶ τὰ πόδια σου κομμάτια νὰ γενοῦσι καὶ ξερὰ τὰ χέρια σου, σπανὲ παγκάκιστε.
Each Irmos to be chanted twice, and each Troparion twice.
4th mode. Ode 1. To the tune of “I shall open my mouth”.
I shall open thy mouth and place three plums, a prune, a blackberry, and a cow fart. And I shall see thy moustache plucked, which has grown wild and dung-snouted.
Verse: The Lord has crushed the beardless men and has cast all their might into Hades.
Thy belly shall open up, and thy ribs shall crack, and thy noise shall drop off, and thy kidneys rot; and thy feet shall be crushed to pieces, and thy hands dry up, most evil beardless man.
…
The Life (Synaxarium) of the Unblessed Beardless Man (541–562)
Σπανοῦ γέννησις, καὶ τίς ἂν γένοιτο πρῶτος πρὸς τὴν διήγησιν; Διήγησις δὲ μεγάλων ἔργων καὶ θαυμασίων κακῶν, καὶ πολὺν τὸν γέλωτα τοῖς ἀκροωμένοις ἐμποιεῖν δύναται, οὐ μόνον ἀνθρώπων, ἀλλὰ καὶ ζώων ἀλόγων, καὶ ἁπλῶς εἰπεῖν, καὶ πάντων τῶν κτηνῶν.
Γεννᾶται μὲν οὗτος οὔτε ἐπὶ ἡμέραν οὔτε ἐπὶ νύκτα, ἀλλ’ ἐν ἀωρίᾳ. Ἤστραπτε μὲν κατὰ ἀνατολάς, κατὰ δὲ δύσιν ὀγκηθμὸς ἦν οὐκ ὀλίγος. Πᾶσα μὲν ἀνθρώπων φύσις σύντρομος γέγονε, πᾶσα δὲ ζώων καὶ πετεινῶν καὶ κτηνῶν. Καὶ πολλῶν ἡμιθνήτων γεγονότων ἐκ τῆς ταραχῆς καὶ τοῦ φόβου, μία ὄνος ἔγκυος οὖσα ἀπέρριψεν οὐ μετ’ ὀλίγης βίας ἔκπτυστόν τι καὶ πονηρότατον γένος τουτὶ τῶν σπανῶν.
Καὶ γεννηθέντων ἀπέδοτο αὐτοὺς διδασκάλῳ τινὶ τῶν δαιμόνων εἰς αὔξησιν καὶ παίδευσιν. Αὐξηνθέντων δὲ καὶ εἰς μέτρον ἡλικίας φθασάντων συνέδριον ἐποίησαν, ἵνα πρὸς ἀνθρώπους ἀφίξωνται, ἵνα πρῶτόν τινα ἑαυτῶν ποιήσωσι βασιλέα. Καὶ τοῦτο ποιήσαντες ἐποίησαν βασιλέα παγκάκιστον οὔριόν τινα ἢ μᾶλλον εἰπεῖν ἐξούριον, οὐ μὴν δὲ ἀλλὰ καὶ ξυγγόκωλον καί, συνελόντι φάναι, σκατοπρόσωπον, ἔτι δὲ ἀντζάτον, κωλάτον, βιλλάτον, χεσάτον, φασάτον, ἀναχεσομούσουδον καὶ φασκελάτον. Καὶ ποιήσαντες αὐτὸν βασιλέα ἔθεσαν ἐπάνω σούβλας ὡς ἐπὶ θρόνου ὑψηλοῦ καὶ ἐπηρμένου. Ὁ δὲ ἐλθὼν ἐν τῇ βασιλείᾳ ἤρξατο λέγειν πρὸς τοὺς ὑπ’ αὐτὸν σπανούς· ἐλθεῖν ὑμᾶς βούλομαι, σπανοί, πρός με τοῦ δοῦναι τέλος βαρὺ τῶν τριῶν ἐτῶν, ὧνπερ ὑπῆρχεν ἔγκυος ἡ ὑμῶν μήτηρ ὄνος, ἡ κοντόκερκος καὶ μονόφθαλμος.
The birth of the beardless man; and who shall be the first to tell its tale? For it is a narration of great works and wondrous evils, and it can cause much laughter to those who hear it, not only people, but unreasoning beasts too, and all animals.
For he was born not during the day nor yet during the night, but in timelessness. There was lightning in the east, and no small famine in the west. And the nature of humanity entire did tremble, and of all animals and birds and living things. And many were half-way dead from fear and tumult, and one pregnant donkey did miscarry, with no small violence, this despicable and most evil race of beardless men.
And when they were born, they were led to a certain teacher from the demons, that they may be reared and educated. And when they grew and came to the fullness of age they made a council, that they should go out to men, so that one of their number should be made their king. And doing so, they made their king a most evil, sconehead or rather skinhead, and also fat-arsed, and in sum, shit-faced, moreover big-thighed, big-arsed, big-dicked, shitty, spitty, cack-re-besnouted and be-mountza’d. And making him their king they seated him on pikes, as if they were a proud and high throne. And when he became king, he started to say to the beardless men in his service: I wish you to come to mine aid, O beardless men, that I may put a heavy end after the three years that your mother the short-tailed and one-eyed donkey carried you in her belly.
…
The Polyeleos [“Much-Merciful”: festive portion of the Matins on feast days] and Lauds (918–925)
Καί, εἰ μὲν βούλει, τὸν μολυνέλεον καὶ βρομιέλεον τοῦ ἀνοσίου σπανοῦ λέγε οὕτως·
Μισεῖτε τὸ ὄνομα τῶν σπανῶν καὶ μισεῖτε αὐτούς, ὅτι καλόν.
Ὅτι τὸν σπανὸν ἐξελέξαντο ἄνθρωποι εἰς ὀνειδισμόν, ὅτι καλόν, εἰς περιουσιασμὸν τοῦ γέλωτος αὐτοῦ, ὅτι καλόν, ὅτι εἰς τὸν αἰῶνα.
Ὅτι ἐγὼ ἔγνωκα, ὅτι μέγας πονηρὸς οὗτος παρὰ πάντας τοὺς σπανούς.
Ὅτι πάντες οἱ σπανοὶ γέλως εἰσὶν τῶν ἀνθρώπων, ὁ δὲ σπανὸς τὸ πονηρὸν ἐποίησεν, ὅτι εἰς τὸν αἰῶνα ὁ γέλως αὐτοῦ.
And then, at will, chant the Much-Worse-iful and Much-Curse-iful of the Unblessed beardless man thus:
Hate ye the name of beardless men, and hate them as well; for it is good.
For the beardless man has been chosen by mankind for mockery, for it is good, for common ownership of laughter against him, for it is good, even unto the ages.
For I have known that this man is of great evil exceeding all other beardless men.
For all beardless men are a laughing-stock of humanity, and the beardless man has done evil, for laughter against him shall there be even unto the ages.
…
The Epitaphios Lamentation of the Beadless Man
First Stasis (1049–1076)
Μετὰ δὲ ταῦτα ψάλλομεν τὸν ἐπιτάφιον τοῦ σπανοῦ· εἰσὶ δὲ μαγαρισνάρια λεγόμενα εἰς τὸν ἐνταφιασμὸν τοῦ κοπρογένη σπανοῦ.
Μετὰ τὴν συνήθη στιχολογία καὶ τὰ ἑξῆς, ἀρχόμεθα τοῦ ἀνόμου ψάλλοντες τὰ τροπάρια ἐκ δευτέρου, εἰς Ἦχον πλάγιον αʹ.
<Στάσις πρώτη>
Μαγαρίζομέν σε, κλανογένη σπανέ, καὶ τσιρλοῦμεν τὴν χεσάδα πατσάδα σου ὡς ἀντίτυπον τοῦ κώλου μας μορφήν.
στίχ. Μαγάριοι οἱ ἄνομοι σπανοί, ἐν ὁδῷ οἱ σπανοὶ ἀπολοῦνται, καὶ μακάριοι οἱ ἐξερευνῶντες τὰς πράξεις αὐτῶν, καὶ ἀπέχουσιν ἀπ’ αὐτούς.
Μαγαρίζομέν σε, κακογένη σπανέ, καὶ ὑβρίζομεν τὴν ἄσχημον θέαν σου ὡς ἀντίτυπον τοῦ δαίμονος μορφήν.
στίχ. Καὶ γὰρ οἱ ἐργαζόμενοι τὴν ἀνομίαν οὐκ ἔχουν γένια, καὶ ἐν ταῖς ὁδοῖς τοῦ σπανοῦ ἐπορεύθησαν.
Μαγαρίζομέν σε, τραγογένη σπανέ, καὶ γελοῦμεν τὴν πομπὴν τῶν γενείων σου ὡς ἀντίτυπον γαϊδάρου τὴν οὐράν.
στίχ. Τότε οὐ μὴ αἰσχυνθῶ ἐν τῷ βλέπειν τοὺς σπανοὺς εἰς τὸ σκότος τὸ ἐξώτερον.
Μαγαρίζομέν σε, ἀρτζιβούρτση σπανέ, καὶ κοπρίζομεν τὴν ἄτσαλον θέαν σου ὡς ἀντίτυπον τοῦ χοίρου μας μορφήν.
After this we chant the epitaphios of the beardless man; these are the befoulitions chanted over the burial of the dungbearded beardless man.
After the usual sticherons and so forth, we being chanting the troparia twice, in the 1st plagal mode.
We befoul thee, fart-bearded beardless man, and we get the squirts all over thy shitsome beard, as a true copy of the shape of our rear end.
Verse: Bursted be the lawless beardless men, the beardless men perish in the road, and blessed are those who discover their actions, and keep their distance from them.
We befoul thee, ill-bearded beardless man, and we insult thine ugly visage, as a true copy of the shape of a demon.
Verse: For those who work for lawlessness have no beard, and they have walked the path of the beardless man.
We befoul thee, goat-bearded beardless man, and we laugh at the ridicule of thy beard, as a true copy of a donkey’s tail.
Verse: Then I shall not be ashamed to see the beardless men cast out to the furthermost darkness.
We befoul thee, thou Armenian holiday of a beardless man, and we defecate upon thy topsy-turvy visage, as a true copy of our pig’s form.
…
Second Stasis (1221–1238)
Ἄξιόν ἐστιν. Δίς.
Ἄξιόν ἐστι τοῦ ὑβρίζειν σε τὸν τραγογένη, τὸν ἐν τοῖς γαϊδάροις πρωτεύοντα, καὶ τὸν ἐν τοῖς τράγοις τερατουργόν.
στίχ. Αἱ χεῖρες σου ἐποίησαν πονηρὰ καὶ ἔπραξαν κακά, ἐγὼ δὲ μαθήσομαι τὰς πονηρίας σου.
Ἄξιόν ἐστι τοῦ κλοτσίζειν σε ὀμπρὸς κι ὀπίσω καὶ ξυλίζειν πάντα τὴν ῥάχιν σου μετὰ ῥάβδων καὶ ματσούκων, μιαρέ.
στίχ. Οἱ φοβούμενοί σε ὄψονταί σε καὶ καταγελάσουσιν, ὅτι ἐπὶ ταῖς κακίαις σου ἤλπισας.
Ἄξιόν ἐστι μαγαρίζειν ἐν τῷ σῷ γενείῳ καὶ τὰ ζαρωμένα τὰ μάγουλα, ὦ παγκάκιστε, τριγένη, ταπεινέ.
“It is meet”. Twice.
It is meet to insult thee, goat-bearded, who hast primacy among the donkeys, and who workest monstrosities among goats.
Verse: Thy hands have done cunning and have worked evil, but I shall learn thy wrongdoings.
It is meet to kick thee front-side and back-side, and to keep beating thy back with rods and canes, O unclean.
Verse: Those who fear thee shall see thee and laugh in mockery, for thou hast hoped in thine evil.
It is meet to befoul thee in they beard, and in thy wrinkled cheeks, O most evil, three-hair–chinned beardless man.
…
Third Stasis (1389–1399)
Αἱ γενεαὶ πᾶσαι.
Αἱ γενεαὶ πᾶσαι μαγαρίζομέν σε, κακὲ σπανέ, τριγένη.
στίχ. Ἐπίβλεψον ἐπ’ ἐμὲ τὸν ὑβρίζοντά σε κατὰ τὸ πλῆθος τῶν ἀδικιῶν σου.
Αἱ γενεαὶ πᾶσαι ἀφορίζομέν σε, σπανὲ κατηραμένε.
στίχ. Λύτρωσαί με, κύριε, ἐκ τῆς πονηρίας τῶν κακίστων σπανῶν.
Αἱ γενεαὶ πᾶσαι φεύγουν ἀπὸ σένα, τρισάθλιε σπανέα.
To the tune “All generations”
All generations befoul thee, evil beardless man with three hairs.
Verse: Look thou upon me, who insults thee according to the multitude of thine unjust deeds.
All generations excommunicate thee, accursed beardless man.
Verse: Save me, Lord, from the cunning of the most evil beardless men.
All generations flee thee, thrice miserable beardless man.
[Greeks at this point will be disappointed: no direct parody of Ὦ γλυκύ μου ἔαρ “O my sweet springtime”]
…
The Beat-him-tudes of the Beardless Man (1595–1609)
Εἰς δὲ τὴν Λιμουργίαν οἱ Μαγαρισμοί.
Ἱστῶμεν στίχους ηʹ. Ἦχος αʹ. Πρὸς τὸ Διὰ βρώσεως.
Ἐν τῇ ἀτυχίᾳ σου μνήσθητι ἡμῶν, σπανέ.
στίχ. Μαγάριοι οἱ σπανοί, ὅτι αὐτῶν ἐστιν ἡ βασιλεία τῶν γερανῶν.
στίχ. Μαγάριοι οἱ σπανοί, ὅτι πενθοῦντες οὐ παρακληθήσονται.
στίχ. Μαγάριοι οἱ σπανοί, ὅτι πεινῶντες καὶ διψῶντες οὐ χορτασθήσονται.
στίχ. Μαγάριοι οἱ σπανοὶ οἱ ἀνελεήμονες, ὅτι οὐκ ἐλεηθήσονται.
Ἐνεκρώθης, πονηρότατε, καὶ ἐν μνημείῳ κατεχώθης, σπανέ, ἀλλὰ σ’ ἐδέχθηκεν κακῶς, φεῦ, ὁ Χάρος μὲ τὸ δρέπανον κ’ εἰς τὸν Ἅιδην σ’ ἔρριψεν, κ’ ἐκρημνίσθης ἐν τῇ βασιλείᾳ του.
After the Leak-turd-gy, the Beat-him-tudes.
We stand upright for 8 verses. 1st mode. To the tune of “For food”.
In thy misfortune, remember us, O beardless man.
Verse: Blistered be the beardless men, for theirs is the kingdom of the cranes.
Verse: Blistered be the beardless men, for they shall not be consoled in mourning.
Verse: Blistered be the beardless men, for their hunger and thirst shall not be sated.
Verse: Blistered be the unmerciful beardless men, for they shall find no mercy.
Thou art dead, most evil, and art concealed in a tomb, O beardless man, but alas, Death hath given thee a poor reception with his scythe, and has cast thee into Hades, and thou hast tumbled in his kingdom.
…
Refectory Chant (1663–1674)
Εἰς δὲ τὴν τράπεζαν ἐσθίετε ἀντίδια χεσμένα καὶ σκαταφάτα διάφορα καὶ ἀνήθιν, κλανήθιν κακολογοῦντες τὸν σπανόν.
Ἐν δὲ τῇ τραπέζῃ ψάλλει ὁ πρωτοψάλτης τὸ παρὸν κακοφωνικὸν τοῦ σπανοῦ, ποίημα κυροῦ Μαγκλαβᾶ τοῦ Μπορδηλέτου εἰς ἦχον πλαΐου βαρύ, μετὰ μέλους εὐφώνως.
Α ν ανε τρα γε αν ανε τρ α γε αν α νε τρ α γε ρ ου τε
ρου τε ρου τε ρε ρε ρε ρε ρε ψεις ψεις ρι ρι ρουτε ρι
ρι ρου τε α γρε α γρε αγρε κα κα κο κο τρα γε και
α γριο τρ α γε ο θε ε ε ος μου μου πα πα πα τα
ξη ξη ξη σε τε τε τε τε τε το το το το το τι
τι τι τι ξης αμην η η ν αμην αμην
At the table, eat ye endives shat upon, and sundry shitteries, and dill and farting-ill, cursing the beardless man.
At the table, the first cantor chants the following cacophony on the beardless man, a poem of Master Bastinado Fartiletto, in the Plagal Heavy mode [which does not exist], with a melody and in loud voice.
Ananes [intonation tone: cf. Reciting tone] Thou go-o-at a-na-nes thou go-o-at durr goat durr goat durr goat-durrrd dee-duuurd go-o-duurd e-e-e-vile vi-i-le goat and wi-i-ld goat may my my my Go-o-o-o-o-od stri- stri- stri-ke thee-e-e-e-e-e-e thy-y-y-y-y-y tho-o-ough thumb thumb thumb A-a-a-a-a-a-me-e-e-n Amen Amen
The Dowry Contract of the Beardless Man (1675–1689)
Μετὰ δὲ ταῦτα λέγομεν τὴν προικοδοσίαν τοῦ κακοῦ σπανοῦ, ἥτις λέγεται ὑπὸ ἰδιώτου, ἡμῶν δὲ πάντων ἀκροωμένων μετὰ σιγῆς καὶ εὐλαβείας πολλῆς.
Ἡμεῖς, ὅ τε παπὰ–Φιλίσκος ἀπὸ τοὺς Φιλίππους ἔτι δὲ καὶ <ἡ> κυρὰ Κουμμερτικίνα ἡ Κατσικοπορδοὺ ἀπὸ τὴν Ἀσφάμιαν, παπαδία του, παραδίδομεν εἰς τὸν γαμβρὸν ἡμῶν κὺρ Λέοντα τὸν Κατσαρέλην ἀπὸ τὴν Πέργαμον τὴν γνήσιαν ἡμῶν καὶ φιλτάτην θυγατέρα ὀνόματι Φακλάνα. Ἐν πρώτοις δίδομεν τὴν εὐχὴν τοῦ γαϊδάρου μας, μετὰ δὲ ταῦτα τὰ κάτωθεν γεγραμμένα, ἤγουν κουκουμάριν ψύλλων ἕν, ματσούκες ἀγνὲς κηντηνάρια βʹ, ὑποκάμισον τούρτουρον αʹ καὶ ἕτερα ὑποκάμισα ἐξηστρεπτὰ βʹ, βρακίον μὲ δεμάτιον κόνιδας αʹ, σκούφιαν μὲ δεμάτιον ψεῖρες αʹ, ὑποδήματα ψεύτικα ζευγάρια βʹ καὶ ἕτερα ξυλοποδήματα ζευγάρια τρία, διὰ νὰ χέζεται στεκόμενος ὥσπερ λέφας καὶ νὰ τσιρλᾷ τὲς ἀρίδες του· τσάγγρας μὲν ρʹ φουλαδίτικας, βερτούνια λουκανίτικα ὀκτὼ καὶ μίαν βουβάλαν μὲ τὰ ποδόλουρα.
After that we recite the dowry contract of the evil beardless man, which is read by a layman, with all of us listening in silence and great devotion.
We, Father Filisco of Philippi, and Lady Commerticina Goatfart from Asphamia, his wife, give over to our son-in-law Master Leo Cazzareli from Pergamum our genuine and most beloved daughter Eatshittia. First of all, we give them the blessing of our donkey, and then the following items as written down: to wit, i pot of fleas, ii hundredweights of pure two-by-fours, i shirt for shivering and ii other shirts turned inside-out, i cap with a package of lice, ii pairs of fake shoes, and iii other pairs of clogs, for him to shit standing up like an elephant and soil his legs; and c boots made of foullest Venetian wind, viii arrows from Lucania, and i female buffalo with its shoelaces.
…
Medical Remedy (1726–1739)
Ποιήσαντες τοὺς γάμους καὶ φαγόντων πάντων καὶ εὐφρανθέντων, ἐκοίμισαν τὸν γαμπρὸν μετὰ τῆς νύφης. Περὶ δὲ τὸ μεσονύκτιον ἠρώτησεν ὁ γαμπρὸς τὴν νύφην· ὧ παμφιλτάτη γυνή, πῶς λέγουν τὸ ὄνομά σου; Ἡ δὲ εἶπεν· ἐγὼ μὲν ὄνομα ἓν οὐκ ἔχω, εἰ μὴ δώδεκα ἥμισυ· τὸ δὲ ἥμισύ ἐστι Πανταπού. Φοβηθεὶς οὖν ὁ γαμπρὸς μήπως πνίξῃ αὐτόν, ἔπεσεν ἐν δεινῇ ἀσθενείᾳ καὶ μεγίστῃ.
Τὸ δὲ πρωὶ ἤφεραν ἰατρόν τινα μουσουλμάνον καὶ τὸν γέροντα τὸν λεγόμενον Μητισοράμας καὶ ἐπίασαν τὸν σφυγμόν του ἀπὸ τὴν ἄντζαν καὶ ἔκριναν ὅτι χορδιτικὴν φλεβοτομίαν θέλει μὲ λεπτότατον ξιφάριν ἐκ τοῦ ἀφεδρῶνος· καὶ νὰ θέσουν ἐπάνωθεν κοιλίαν λεγομένην σύσκατην ὡς ἔμπλαστρον· ἔπειτα λάβωσιν ἀνήθιν, κλανήθιν καὶ πορδὴν λεγομένην ῥούφα την, εὐνούχου ὀρχίδια διὰ πύρας, γραίας βιλλήθρα διὰ ’πιθετὰ καὶ ὁμοῦ πάντα ἑνώσωσι καὶ θέσωσιν ἐπάνω ἐν τῷ ἀφεδρῶνι ὡς ἔμπλαστρον.
When they celebrated the wedding, and all ate and were merry, they sent the groom to sleep with his bride. Around midnight, the groom asked his bride: O dearest woman, what is your name, anyway? And she said: I don’t have one name, but I do have twelve and a half; and the half name is Everywho. So the groom grew afraid that she might strangle him, and he fell into a fearsome, great illness.
In the morning they brought to him a certain Muslim doctor and the old man known as Haveyouseenme, and they read his pulse from the thigh, and they determined that he required a intestinal phlebotomy with an extremely thin sword from the anal passage; and they should place on it a belly with all the shit in it, so to speak, as a bandage; then they should take dill, farting-ill, and a fart of the kind known as “smell this”, a eunuch’s testicles heated up, an old woman’s cock-socket as a compress, and all these should be brought together and placed upon his anal passage as a bandage.
….
Iambic and Political Verses on the Tomb of the Beardless Man (1796–1801, 1820)
Ἐνθάδε κεῖται ὁ σπανὸς ὁ τριγένης,
Ὁ παράσημος καὶ μέγας τραγογένης,
Ὃς οὐδέποτε ἐκλείπει τοῦ συρράπτειν
Δόλους, μηχανὰς εἰς ἅπαντας ἀνθρώπους.
Καὶ γὰρ οἱ γινώσκοντες αὐτοῦ τὰς πράξεις
Ἀναθέματι καταβάλετε τοῦτον.
…
Ἐτελειώθη ὁ μιαρὸς σπανὸς ἔτει ͵αψρθʹ μηνὶ Μπαμπούλα λεʹ.
Here lies the three-haired beardless man,
misshapen and great goat-bearded man,
who never omitted to connive
designs and plots against all people.
And those who know of his deeds
send upon him anathema.
…
The filthy beardless man passed in the year of our Lord MDCCLXXXXXIX, on the thirty-fifth day of the month Bogeyman.
What are the linguistic and cultural differences of the residents of the 2 largest cities, Athens and Thessaloniki, in Greece?
Well have both Yiannis Papadopoulos’ answer and Konstantinos Konstantinides’ answer put it. Upvote them.
Some further supplemental detail, expressed linguisticiously:
Salonica Standard Greek is pretty much Athens Standard Greek with a few shibboleths; it’s a situation comparable to Scottish Standard English (such as you’ll hear in Edinburgh)—you’ll hear wee a lot more, and you’ll hear construction like I’ve not seen it, but it is not really Scots.
Here’s a map of key isoglosses of Greek ca. 1900, from Wikipedia:
Salonica is in the purple zone, which means it is meant to drop all its unstressed /i, u/ and raise its unstressed /e, o/ to /i, u/: /skiˈli/ is meant to be pronounced [scʎi]. But it’s a northern version of Standard Greek, so it doesn’t.
The velar /l/ of Salonica is the main phonetic shibboleth, as Yannis pointed out.
Thessaloniki: The only city in the world that is spelled with two ‘s’ and pronounced with two ‘l’
- Standard Greek: θesaloˈnici
- Salonica Greek: θesaɫoˈnici
- Macedonian Greek: θisaɫuˈnic
The main grammatical shibboleth, which Kostas points out, is that indirect objects for pronouns (and nouns more rarely) are in the accusative in the north, and in the genitive in the south, because Greek doesn’t have a dative any more. The isogloss for that takes in Thessaly and Macedonia. (It also includes the Greek of Istanbul.)
The accusative is of course ambiguous between direct and indirect object; hence,
Mom, are you going to make me into meatballs today
Kostas has gone into some of the lexical peculiarities of Salonica. One further peculiarity is that Athens Standard Greek differentiates kato ‘down’ from xamo ~ xamu ‘on the ground’; Salonica refers to both as kato. As a result, Salonicans refer to Athenians (and Southerners in general) as xamudziðes, xamo-guys. They may actually thing they’re saying ‘Down [South] guys’. They would be wrong, because they can’t tell the difference between xamo and kato: they’re actually calling Athenians ‘crawling on the ground guys’.
On second thought, maybe they know exactly what they’re doing.
One of the denizens of SLANG.gr has just published a book of lexical differences between the two, Μπαγιάτηδες και χαμουτζήδες, ‘The mouldy [nickname for old Thessalonians] and the xamo-guys’: Μπαγιάτηδες και χαμουτζήδες. And the fact that SLANG.gr can produce something like this, and its English counterpart is… Urban Dictionary, tells you all you need to know about why the Greeks are a Great People.
Oh I mentioned Slang.gr. Contractual obligation: Hi Melinda! 🙂
What is the dirtiest work of Modern Greek literature?
I know of three contenders; and having rebrowsed through one, I’m eliminating it from contention. I am, by the way, extending the definition back to 1000 AD.
The contender I have not read (yet) is the only contender from the past century: The Great Eastern, by Greek surrealist Andreas Embirikos. It’s an encyclopaedia of all kinds known of sexual activity, ranging from wet dreams to coprophagia, and from missionary to incest. It’s pretty much 120 Days of Sodom on a boat, except it’s supposed to be liberating and utopian instead of nasty and dystopian. And eccentrically for 20th century literature, it is in Puristic Greek, which is meant to give it a Cavafy-esque detachment. (The two tiny excerpts on Wikipedia, which are clean, make it sound more like a 19th century romance novel, but that’s not what I should be judging it from.)
The contender I’ve just re-read is the poetry of Stephanos Sachlikis, written ca 1370 in Crete. I’ve written a little on him already at Ooh! He Said ‘Fuck’! He must be a revolutionary! by Nick Nicholas on Opɯdʒɯlɯklɑr In Exile. This question was inspired by the late editor Nikos Panagiotakis’ prefatory comment, that his poetry is the dirtiest work of Greek literature up until The Great Eastern.
… I don’t think Panagiotakis, God rest him, got out much. No. It isn’t. Sure, Sachlikis says “fuck” a lot, when talking about the prostitutes of Candia. That’s the extent of it. It’s not like he enumerates positions or perversions; “friar-fucked” (φραρογαμημένη) is as colourful as he gets.
Being misogynistic about prostitutes (but then again, Sachlikis hates everybody, including himself), blaming the widow Koutayotaina for his downfall, and conjuring up a fanciful jousting match between prostitutes competing for working space in Candia—these may count as historically and psychologically informative material, and it may be a rollicking good read. (Greeks are constantly astonished at how easily they understand Sachlikis, even if there are archaic and dialectal bits there.) But dirty? Maybe in Panagiotakis’ generation; not in mine.
The prize, as far as I’m concerned, still goes to the work that Panagiotakis knew full well about, and it was special pleading for him to pretend he didn’t when he lectured on Sachlikis. It’s Spanos, the Mass of the Beardless Man.
There’s a dearth of information online about Spanos, which is a shame. Spanos is a parody of the Greek Orthodox Mass, targeting a hapless, unnamed victim who is himself spanos. Spanos means “beardless”. The late lexicographer Tassos Karanastassis argued in his PhD that Spanos is a piece of millenarian panic, written about the arrival of the Jews from Spain (Hi-spanos) in 1492 (the year 7000 by Byzantine reckoning); I didn’t find his arguments overwhelmingly convincing, but he did tap into an underexplored current of folk culture when researching it.
Spanos is relentless. Spanos is filthy. Spanos heaps obscenity upon obscenity upon its victim, whatever his origin and provenance; beatings, excrement, impalement, nothing is too brutal for him. And it does it all with note-perfect parodies of the Orthodox liturgy—including several highlights of the Good Friday Mass. As its editor Hans Eideneier notes, the spontaneous reaction of Greek cantors confronted with it is (after recovering from the shock) to start chanting along. (Karanastassis unearthed evidence that bits of Spanos were still being chanted by cantors as entertainment centuries later, in the writings of Alexandros Papadiamantis.) In fact, Spanos is so relentless, it overflows the liturgical genre, and throws in Saint’s Lives, dowry contracts and medical remedies for good measure. Kind of like a scatological Ulysses (although Ulysses is already scatological).
And it includes the very first instance of Byzantine musical notation in print.
Greece’s poet laureate Giorgos Seferis was a pretty astute critic, and he said something very perceptive about Spanos once. He liked it, because it was one of the very few instances Greek has to show of nonsense poetry. Spanos is closer in spirit to the usual exemplar of the limerick than to Edward Lear’s gentle variants of the form. But it’s just as silly, for all its viciousness, and Greek literature doesn’t really do silly all that often.
Was Mario Pei the greatest linguist of the 20th century? How many languages could he speak?
Yeah. I read his popularisations too back in the day, and they were good. But I’m struggling to think of what he contributed to the discipline.
Wikipedia: Mario Pei.
He was an old school philologist, I see. And I have all the respect in the world for that. But I suspect that, if you’re not working on Romance historical linguistics, he won’t be on your radar, and even if you are, he won’t rank highly. Among his books listed in Wikipedia, only one looks to be a straight academic monograph (French Precursors of the Chanson de Roland, 1949), and one other a collection of papers.
No shame in that. Good solid philologists are necessary; I wish there were more of them. And I do popularisation of linguistics here, now, instead of academic work. It too is important work.
But “greatest linguist of the 20th century”… no.
Answered 2017-08-04 · Upvoted by
, MA in Linguistics from BYU, 8 years working in research for language pedagogy.